Torn

Thursday, March 25, 1999

10:30 PM

I have to make a decision in the morning. I really don't know what that decision will be, though. It's something I need to sleep on, and decide when the time is at hand.

My uncle -- my mom's younger brother -- is in the hospital, with pneumonia and congestive heart failure; the prognosis isn't good. Mom is going down to see him in the morning, and she thinks I should go with her.

Yes, it may be the last time I see my uncle. I feel more like I already have seen him for the last time; for the most part, that doesn't bother me. But there's another little part that says, "You really should go..."

How can I be so hard-hearted? Am I being hard-hearted?

There are two big reasons behind what I think my decision will be in the end:

1. I've seen this man beat his thirteen year old stepdaughter with a belt, because she wouldn't go away and let me have her room to myself, when I visited one summer. I was the one being a brat (I had even slapped my cousin earlier -- something I just don't do!) and that was easy enough to see, but he didn't even ask questions, just went and got his belt.
2. I've also seen him roaring drunk... he's not a nice person, in that state.

I admit, these things happened over a decade ago, but they really colored my opinions of him, and that's something that hasn't ever changed. I have no fond memories of this man; to me, he is mostly a stranger. Granted, he is the one who let me play with his old TRS-80 computer, way back when, but that's about the best memory I have of him.

None of that seems to quiet the demands of the voice named Duty. He's family, after all

Just as I wrote that, though, I remembered a little bit I read on a friend's page: She said family is not necessarily the people who are biologically related to you, but the people whom you allow into your inner circle in life. My uncle is certainly not in that circle; I just happen to share some common ancestors with him. Still, Duty cries out, "You really should go!" and my mom chimes in, this time.

I'm uncomfortable around him to begin with; I'm extremely uncomfortable around hospitals and their accoutrements. Add to that the two hour car ride each day, potentially getting worn thin by being a support system, and all the other niggling details. I've mostly convinced myself to stay home tomorrow.

For now, my lids are sagging, so it's off to bed for me.