Blubbering Idiot

Good Friday... supposedly

My friend up in Minnesota sent me this just yesterday; her timing couldn't be much better:

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
   [Oh, if only I actually had chocolate chips...]
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
   [Are you kidding? The very thought of jeans makes my middle hurt right now!]
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
   [Gotta give Jev credit... he's being as supportive as he can, from so far away. I just wish he were here so I could curl up and cry on the shoulder he offered last night.]
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're counting down the days until menopause.
   [Have to laugh at this one... when we were heading out on errands, Mom said, "Menopause is a wonderful thing."]
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
   [Especially the people who decide where to stock things at Wal-Mart! The PMS relief medications should be with the rest of the monthly feminine needs!!!!]
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
10. You notice this list only had 9 items until you added this line, and you know it must be all your fault.

And yes, that last line is mine. I feel like I've ruined past the point of repair what I thought was a good friendship. I got a letter last night that said to me that she was unhappy with me and my responses the last few days. I wrote back last night, but waited until this morning to reread it before I sent it, so I could reread it with a clearer head. I thought it would help.

I just got back from wally world -- a whole other kettle of fish -- and checked mail, hoping I might have a note from Jev, since I missed him when he came back from his first class. I had another message from my friend, and I can't even manage to read it, because every time I do, I start feeling like everything is all my fault, even more than it already seems.

Bad enough I started crying in Wal-Mart and had to hurry out to the car because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I bought one thing: a box of Midol. Fortunately that was before I made a fool of myself.

Mom hadn't meant to make me so upset in Walmart and I know it, but we were walking past the optical department, and I remembered a commercial I'd seen a couple days before. So I had asked if she'd seen where they've come out with bifocal contact lenses now, and all she could say was, "Well, you know I couldn't stand to wear them... I can't even stand the thought of putting anything in my eye..." I wasn't telling her about the damned things because I thought she'd wear them, I was just commenting on the fact that they could even make such a thing (and I'm still curious as to just how they work). Anyway, after her remark, I mumbled something to the effect of "sorry, I'm stupid... I'll just shut up now..." and that's when the waterworks started.

Once we got home, Mom told me I could just come in and lie down and she'd take care of putting the groceries away. I came in, pulled off my shoes because I couldn't see to get the stupid knots untied, and curled up in bed and cried. And after I'd gotten part of it out of my system, and got up to find the tissues and settle back in, Munchie came in from Mom's room, hopped up on the bed and started purring, and tried to find a way to curl up on me... not easy, since I was halfway curled up into a ball anyway. She got comfy, pushed her head into my hand until I scratched her ears a bit, and just purred her heart out. She stayed even when Mom was putting things away in the refrigerator, all the way up until she got out her sandwich makings, and opened the package of turkey lunchmeats.... I can't say I blame Munch for leaving me for that... turkey lunchmeat is pretty good. Still, it was awful nice of her to come and curl up with me and purr to let me know she cares.

Needless to say, this is not turning into a very good day. I don't know what to do about the friendship... I've tried to read that letter twice, and had to close it both times; I got to the part where she said she'd read my latest journal entries last night, and it sounded like I was flying high, so she thought my excuses for not being very helpful and supportive lately were pretty lame (not her exact words, but that's what I read into them).

So I had a great day Tuesday.... because I tried my best to make it a good day. I'd had a total of five hours of sleep that night, and six the night before, so it could have been a really rotten day, if I'd let it be. I paid for all the traveling Wednesday, and had to hear Mom tell half a dozen friends on the phone how she just doesn't think I'm going to be able to handle the drive from here to Virginia when Jev and I move, and between that and pms, by yesterday I was sliding downhill fast.

How do you answer a letter that makes you feel like everything's your fault? I tried last night, but that only got me another, longer, more aggravated sounding letter in response. I don't want to lose this friendship... most of the time we seem to get along just great... but right now I can't take any more criticism.

So what do I do? I started writing this journal entry, hoping that I'd figure out some answers, but nothing seems to be coming to me. I wish Jev was here... I just need him to wrap me up in his arms and curl up with me and help me forget about everything for a while.