Going With the Flow

Wednesday, April 7, 1999

I've come to the conclusion that this is just one of those weeks, and the best thing I can do right now is to just go with the flow (pun not intended).

There was a point yesterday afternoon where life was really good. Jev was goofing off somewhere, so I went out on the porch with a couple magazines from the library, and just relaxed and read, taking in the freshy air and the afternoon sun, and the birds chirping to each other in the trees. As I headed back inside, to meet up with Jev online, I remember feeling like I could take on anything; even my Thursday appointment with the urologist didn't worry me. I could handle it all... I had all the answers. Isn't that how life is supposed to feel?

You've probably already guessed that it was the calm before the storm, haven't you?

Jev and I had some real problems communicating last night: he's frustrated with all the looking around for apartments and cars and this and that and all the planning we've been doing, when he can't actually get out and do much of anything. Since I'm even farther away from our new home, and most of what I have to do is physical -- sorting, packing, selling off the things I'm not going to take with me -- I feel pretty powerless and frustrated, too. I wanted to tell him that I wished he was here, so we could actually tackle some of those things that can and should be done beforehand; but I thought it would only make him feel even more frustrated, so I said nothing at all. And that's pretty much where last night's troubles began.

We never really resolved anything, just bickered back and forth because neither of us was talking about muh of anything. So I went to bed, hoping that we'd be able to communicate better this morning. It wasn't to be; he didn't have much to say, so he played online bingo, and looked at the comics in the newspaper between rounds. I was tired and falling asleep in my chair, so I asked if he'd mind if I went back to sleep.

Bad choice. We bickered a bit more, and he basically told me to go on and go back to bed. I didn't see any point in arguing over it any more -- I wasn't getting anywhere -- so I did. I cried some, I slept some, and I woke up about twenty minutes before he was due back.

I had an e-mail from him when I hopped back online, and from the subject line of 'Things,' I knew something bad was coming. Jev just doesn't write e-mail, except when things are really bothering him, or to let me know he's run off somewhere, and won't be back when he had expected.

The message explained that what he'd needed from me recently was to be made to feel that he's important; that he matters. He said he was sorry he wasn't the kind of person I deserved, and he was giving me my freedom, if I wanted it.

Devastated. That about sums up how I felt. Did he not want me anymore? There is nothing in this world that could make me want to give him up! Nothing!! So I guess that's why I felt like I did. He'd also said that he'd had his doubts about us living together, and being together, and I guess I took that to mean that I wasn't right for him, rather than the other way around.

Fortunately, he got back not too long after I read his message. After he'd eaten his lunch and was ready to talk on NetMeeting again, he reassured me that he was only getting out all the things rolling around in his mind, and that he didn't want me to leave, that he still loves me, and wants me in his life.

Once all that was out in the open, things started slowly getting better; but that was one hell of a scare. I've always been afraid that at some point, something would happen to end our relationship, and all that we've put into it would be lost. I'm still a little afraid of that, but I'm starting to have hope that we could work through just about anything, at this point.

Still, I wish it were about two months from today...

Some time later....

I turned on the computer, and was going to type up my entry, but this came out instead:

Missing You

There's nothing I'd rather do right now than be with you.
To hold your hand in mine, to have your strength to lean upon.
When we're together, I have all I need.

But for now, there are still things in our way.
A degree to be earned, many miles between us.
So we do our best, and try to get by.

It's not easy, and we make our mistakes.
There's only so much we can do together, 
when all we have are bits of information, passed over wires.

But I'd much rather have you in my life, 
and have to live with these times apart,
Than never to have loved you at all.

I think that pretty much sums it up for today.