Garden Variety Thoughts

Sunday, April 11, 1999

I did an entry a while back -- I think on my old site -- about "Fear, Shame, and other Uncomfortable Things", and while I was working in the garden yesterday, I got to thinking about that, and some of the things I read in Conversations With God.

What I was trying to figure out, was how to start being the person I really want to be. I don't want to be shy; being shy is not fun. That's why someone who is very shy is usually described as being 'painfullly' so. So in order to stop being shy, I'd have to figure out what causes me to be shy in the first place, and deal with it.

So, why am I shy? Well, I think it's because I'm afraid of being laughed at, afraid people will stare at me, and afraid of what they might think of me. In the end, what it boils down to is that my opinion of myself ends up being based on what other people think of me; that means I'm vulnerable to the whims of whomever I encounter. No wonder I'm afraid!

But... if I conduct myself and live my life in a way that I feel is right and good -- which in my book equates to doing my best to do unto others as I wish they would do unto me -- shouldn't my opinion of myself be the only one that matters?

You may be thinking: "But what about Jev, and what he thinks? Doesn't he matter?" And my response to that is most certainly a yes! But if he truly loves me for me, as I am, then if I start being more myself and less what I think other people think I should be, I don't think he would love me any less.

He's always encouraging me to make decisions -- what I want to do, where I want to go, or what movie I want to see -- but I still have a hard time doing it, because I have to overcome the part of my mind that says, "What if he thinks you're dumb for wanting to do that? What if he really doesn't want to go?" and so on...

If I could just stop worrying about what he might think of me, that's half the battle right there. The other half is knowing that I can trust him to speak up and let me know if my choice is something he really doesn't want to do, and learning to take that as no more than a statement of his own personal tastes and opinions, rather than as a criticism of me. I think a lot of us (and I'm not just speaking of Jev and myself) tend to take things as criticism that weren't intended as such by the one who expresses those things to us. But then, that's just my opinion, and as they say in Usenet, your mileage may vary

Now, if any of that makes any sense to you, I'm not as asleep as I think I am! Goodnight!