Small Minds, Big Fears

Saturday, April 17, 1999

I overheard Mom talking on the phone the other night with one of her friends. I know, I complain that she's being nosy when she overhears something I say to Jev and then comes to me about it, and I know eavesdropping is rude. But she was talking about me, and I couldn't help but listen.

From the half of the conversation that I heard, Mom's friend was asking about me moving away, and was I going to get married, and so on. When Mom said I wasn't getting married right away, I could tell that her friend was disapproving, and of the opinion that we were going to be 'living in sin.' This lady goes (or went) to the same church I've gone to here in town... and Mom has as much as told me that she's let her other friends believe that I'm getting married right away.

Is it any wonder I don't go to church anymore? I mean, really... I've found the one person I want to spend my life with; is a ceremony, a ring and a piece of paper going to make any difference, as far as living with him is concerned? Mom replied with something about how we were just kids, and we had to be allowed to make our own mistakes, and so on and so forth, going along with whatever her friend said. But talking to me, Mom doesn't seem to have any problem with the fact that we're not getting married right away.

Anyway, Mom went on to say that she's convinced Jev will take good care of me, and that I love him very, very much, and she was just glad that I was going to have this chance, because really there's no way to know how much longer I have. To quote her, "She could have just months, or maybe a few years..." Isn't that a lovely thing to hear? *sigh*

I found my baby book today -- I knew where it was, I just haven't looked at it in a long time. I was looking at a short list of my likes and dislikes, when I was 18 months old, and it should come as no surprise that one of my dislikes was people in white: the color I associated with doctors and nurses. This was at a year and a half old! Granted, by then I had had about four or five surgeries, and had spent several weeks in the hospital. Also in my baby book, there's a note, "Baby had a few problems and had to stay in the hospital a few weeks, after Mommy went home." No wonder my blood pressure shoots up the minute I set foot in a doctor's office building.

I think my biggest fear in life is being alone... not having someone to love me, and be there with me when things get bad. I don't want to die alone... I don't want to spend days and weeks in a hospital, tied up in plastic tubing, without a familiar face in sight.

I'm still afraid something will happen, these last few weeks, to keep me and Jev from finally being together. Even going out in the dining room and looking at the boxes piling up, the move just doesn't seem real. I just want to be there, and have all the moving all over with, and know that I will spend the rest of my life there with him. Now!!!!

I don't care now if we get married or just spend our lives together. Not too long ago, I wanted it for that sense of security... his insurance would cover at least some of my medical bills (I'd hope), and we'd have that piece of paper that says we belong to each other. It doesn't matter to me any more though; what insurance I have will suffice, and between us, we can pay all our bills and have money to have fun and enjoy our time together. As far as belonging to each other... well, we've decided to spend our lives with each other, but we're not one another's property; it's our choice, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks about it, end of story.

I know that once we're together, if something should happen to me, Jev will be there for me, and I won't be alone. So now we just have to make it these last few weeks apart.