Close Encounter

April 18, 1999

I knew it would happen some time before I left... Well, I thought it would, though as these last few weeks trickled away, I was beginning to think I was wrong. So much for that...

I almost ran into my former friends today... at least the father and son of the family. We'd gone to Wal-Mart, and I was just about to get in the second express checkout lane when I saw them, in the next lane over. I started to skip over to the first express lane, not wanting them to see me, but of course the lane had just closed. So I got into the second, and stared at the conveyor belt, at my hands, at the floor... anywhere but over to the next lane, afraid to make eye contact.

I'm not really sure why I was afraid... I didn't know what Will would do, or say... who knows, he might have just acknowledged me with a nod, but I couldn't take that chance. His son was with him, and I can't help but wonder if they told the kids that I was this horrible person, and they didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of Chris (he's got to be nine or ten now... he looked so grown up!) looking at me and saying something mean... or calling out my name excitedly and running over to give me a hug, only to have his dad yell at him to stop and not have anything to do with me. I couldn't take that chance.

I checked out quickly -- I just had one skein of embroidery floss -- and then stood there while Mom checked out after me. They finished before she did, and I was between them and the door, so I slipped around behind Mom, to her other side, keeping her between me and Chris. Then I watched with regret as they walked away... wondering what they would have said, if they'd seen me.

I told Mom about it after they'd gone, and she asked, "Did they say anything?" I told her no, but I couldn't bring myself to say that it was because we never made eye contact, and I don't even know if they really saw me. She just said, "I wonder what their problem is...." It's been almost two years now... it will be two years in July, for sure. I figure the friendship has long since fallen by the wayside.

I can't believe I was so paralyzed with fear... I couldn't make myself take the risk of making eye contact, though I did watch them when they were checking out, their backs to me. They looked like they were happy enough; I probably would have been a dark cloud on their bright, sunny Sunday morning. So I guess it's for the best... Still, I guess there will always be a part of me that will wonder.