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April 23, 1999
I was just thinking earlier today how some events in my life only seem to occur because I *expect* them to occur. Like this past Sunday, when I had a near run-in with a former friend here in town who is no longer speaking to me -- something I suspected that would happen before I moved away, though it's been nearly two years since we stopped talking, and Sunday was the first time I ran into him. If I hadn't been expecting it (you run into everyone at Wal-Mart, when you live in a small town), I probably would have walked right past and never even saw him.
And again, on Monday, when I had the big blowup with Mom -- something I expected to happen sometime before I left home. While we both blew off a lot of steam, I don't think either of us accomplished anything as far as mending our relationship... I think it only happened because I expected it to.
Both of these were things I had dreaded happening... in response to the first, I went into panic-mode, and couldn't make myself do anything other than hide and avoid eye contact at all costs. And for the argument with Mom, even though I knew it was coming, I had no real response except to scream back at her screaming at me. I knew, even before it happened, that nothing would be accomplished that way, and nothing ever could. I just thought that it was going to happen, and so it did.
How many other times has this happened in my life? Probably many. Only recently, when I first became friendly with the lady in Denver, I was often afraid something would happen that would ruin our friendship. Out of the blue, it did. I'm sure if I gave it more thought, other examples of this would pop up too, on larger and smaller scales.
Is this something that happens to other people, or is it just in my own experience? Do we draw things toward us that we are afraid of, so that we can face that fear, and learn from it? Is there a way to keep from drawing those things to us, or are they life lessons that we need to learn, and we simply have no choice in the matter?
I'm opening up a forum again, and I hope that if any of you have any insights or views on this, you might post a message there; maybe we can get a dialogue going.
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