Too Soon, Too Far

Sunday, April 25, 1999

I'm already having mood swings, and I'm about a week early here... either this is going to be one hell of a month, or my cycle has shortened by several days. Either way, it does not bode well. If all goes according to plan, Jev and I will be moving cross-country, this time next month, and long road trips and PMS just don't mix well for me. Ugh...

Of course, some of it could be the fact that I was out working in the garden again yesterday, and trying to work with one half of me on one side of a 16" high fence and the other on the other side, so I was constantly leaning over, or propping myself up on one hand while digging with the other in the wet ground. I woke up this morning with stiff shoulders, and when I tried to bend over to get something from the floor, I realized that certain nether regions were pretty sore too.

Still, even without the aches, I was just an emotional mess today, and I'm sure I drove Jev crazy. He's been obsessing about finding just the right car for us, and I'm the type of person who mainly wants something that will be reliable, comfortable, and that will get us where we're going.

When I'm feeling okay with myself (mood-wise), I can make decisions; like when he asks me what make of car I'd like, or what color. But when I'm barely holding myself together, I don't really give a damn about a car, if you'll pardon the expression. And, of course, I feel bad that I can't give him the answers that he wants, so I only feel worse about myself, and that adds to the downward spiral. It's not a pretty situation.

Yesterday after I posted the entry about my dream, Jev read it, and he told me that he thought maybe getting into some classes at the community college once we're settled might be what I needed. I don't think that would be such a bad thing, but really I just feel like there is so much unfocused, untapped ability and creative energy floating around in me right now, that I should be able to do something with that.

I mean, I know I don't have a degree, but a degree is just another piece of paper for me, and if I can only take a few classes at a time (for now I've given up on the idea of going to Hollins), it could be six or eight years before I ever get it, and by then, who knows where I'll be, healthwise. I just can't wait that long.

I know this is rambling and it's really going nowhere, and I apologize. I'm not doing too great at the moment, so I'm going to stop before I get myself in a mess again. For those of you who have worked hard for your degrees, please don't take what I said to mean that I think they're worthless. For you, they may be the goal you had in mind, and something you're proud of. I admire you for going out and earning them. I just don't feel like it's the right thing for me. Like I told Jev earlier today, I'm just never going to fit in with anyone's idea of how things should be.