Misfit

April 26, 1999

Sometimes I feel like I just don't fit in, and that I never will. Even with Jev, sometimes I can be a mean and nasty person, whom no one should have to tolerate. Like this morning.

I had to be a know-it-all, and I had to be right, no matter what the cost. We were talking about cars and financing, and he was saying that maybe we could get a promotional interest rate. So I went into explaining how when a car financing company (meaning like GMAC financing, Ford financing, etc) lets the dealer do these promotional financing gimmicks where you get 2.9% financing, or $1,000 cash back, that they're not losing anything, because they just bump up the price of the car.

When Jev didn't understand what I was talking about, and I explained it to him twice and he still didn't get it, I just got frustrated and said 'Forget it,' and I wasn't going to give him any more explanation of what I meant, even though he asked me to explain it again. It turned out that he and I were talking about similar, but fundamentally different things: he meant getting a promotional rate from a credit union, or some other financing method (which I've never heard of any of them giving the 3% he was talking about), and so what I was saying made no sense in his perspective.

We eventually ironed it out, but it left us both feeling bad, and I was still crying when he headed off to his afternoon classes. Fortunately at the time he couldn't hear me, because netmeeting had died on us and I was just typing my responses, though I could hear him fine. I just felt bad about making a whole issue out of what should haave been a very small thing.

It reminded me of how I always have this need to have all the answers, and to be right.

Growing up, I got a lot of 'constructive criticism' from my mom, and I had a 14 year older brother (my uncle, really) who was notorious for saying 'you're doing that wrong' and taking whatever I was working on -- even if it was a craft project that I was making, and perfectly capable of doing, if not to his exacting standards -- out of my hands, and doing it himself.

Even if I didn't ask for advice, someone always came along and offered it; told me what I was doing wrong, how I should do it, and so on and so forth. That's very frustrating to a young person who is trying to become independent. So I grew my stubborn streak, and my need to constantly be right, and have the answers, and know it all.

Is it any wonder I can't keep friends? Is it any wonder I always cause problems between Jev and I? He blames himself... he's very very hard on himself so much of the time (I know, you're saying that I'm being the same, aren't you?), but at least half of the time, I am mostly the one to blame for our problems.

I just want to fit in; I want to be in a place where I can be me and not feel like I have to be defensive, and not worry about being laughed at, and where I can find some way to put my abilities to use.

I try to convince myself that moving to Roanoke and having a fresh start again will be good for me, and that things will work out better for me there, but can't help but wonder... will they? Will I be able to make friends, find things to do that interest me, and live a real life again? Will it happen? I know I'll have Jev there, and that will make a world of difference alone, but I can't make him the only focus of my life; I need to express my own individuality, creativity, and ideas.

I know some of this is the PMS talking... I've already crawled in bed and pulled the sheets up over my head a time or two today; I just hope things don't get much worse before they get better. And that things really do work out.

Mom just brought me my mail: finally got the report from the Urologist from back on the 8th, and my blood levels looked good -- a little better than the last time they were checked -- so that means my kidney function is good; I also got an envelope from Jev, with my flight confirmation info, and a printout of the schedule we've set up for getting our apartment, getting me moved, and so on. I think those are good signs that things will be okay. I hope they will be.