Revolution

Cinco de Mayo, 1999

Today has been an odd day. I'm not too sure what to say about it. Mom had one of her cats put to sleep, because he'd become too much trouble, and she tried to mislead me about it, telling me that he'd had an asthma attack in the night, and that he had passed away.

I got upset over being lied to about it, because I knew she had taken him to the vet to have him put down, but instead of confronting her about it, I wrote a long letter, and I ended up writing about a lot more than just the fact that I felt disrespected because she lied to me.

Basically I laid out that she was the most criticizing person in my life, that I've been having major problems with depression since I came here, and that once Jev and I get me out of here, I want to help her a bit with her bills.

I left the letter on the coffee table while she was taking a nap, unsure of how she would take it when she read it, and went off to try to keep myself busy. She woke up and wanted to do some yardwork, so I helped with that. Then she came in, and noticed the letter, and I escaped to the bathroom while she read it, and headed into my room when I was done.

I had expected her to come back to my room, because she'd intended to color her hair and the bathroom is right down the hall, but she didn't. She called out that there was someone on TV I might like to see, so I came out; turned out it was Oprah, and I sat down on the couch to listen to her guest, Iyanla(?), talking to these teenage girls, who all felt like they didn't matter to anyone, because they just didn't feel like they were worth anything to themselves. Just about summed up how I was feeling at the time.

Anyway, during the first commercial break, Mom started in on my letter, saying that she hadn't lied to me; she'd written me a note with two statements (cat had asthma attack in night, cat passed away), that were true, seperately. I shot back that she had done it to mislead me, and she said that yes she had, because I'd thrown such a fit last time she brought it up. Okay, so I did. I still felt disrespected. The show returned from commercial, and she said no more.

I sat there, half watching, half tempted to reach out and grab my letter and leave, because she'd ignored the rest of it, where I poured my heart out. I felt like that was my one last attempt to repair my relationship with her, and she was ignoring it. But for some reason, I stayed.

A couple commercial breaks later, she addressed some of the things in the rest of the letter. She says she doesn't see how she is the most critical person in my life; she thinks I'm wonderful and all that. When she said she knew that I've been depressed all this time, I lost it.

I felt like, she knew, but she did nothing at all to offer any help, when she knew what I was going through. She had all her meetings (and yes, I admit that she asked me to come out so she could introduce me to the other peope who came), but she never outright invited me. Not that I could have made myself come, but in the end, I felt more like the free babysitter for the other women's children.

Anyway, I cried through most of the rest of Oprah, but we did manage to talk, a little. I guess it's a start. After the show was over, I came back into my room and hopped online, only to find I'd missed Jev by about two minutes. Curled up on the bed and cried some, and Mom came through after she did her hair, and asked if I wanted some ice cream. "We have ice cream?" I tried to ask what kind, but I guess she just heard that I wanted some, and brought me a bowl of Vanilla with Hershey's syrup. Mmmmm.

Shortly thereafter, she brought my mail, and I had my Cherished Teddies newsletter, which featured a bunch of new carousel teddies on the front. Took it out to show Mom, and I just stayed out there for the rest of Montel Williams.

Somehow, I ended up in her chair, and had the remote after Montel, so I started flipping channels. Passed by something that looked familiar from growing up, and hopped back to the channel, to find The Muppet Show! Yes, I'm still a kid at heart, and I adored that show when I was young. So I left it there. Turns out, it's on Odyssey Channel every day at 5 Central, and it's been on for about a month now. Tomorrow's episode will be the Star Wars one, if I'm remembering right.

Skip forward a few hours, and Jev and I met up online and watched the country music awards. I was surprised and really happy that Steve Wariner won for Song of the Year with "Holes in the Floor of Heaven." I've been a fan of his for a long, long time, and it is good to see him finally getting the credit that he's due. Garth as Artist of the Decade was no surprise at all, and Dixie Chicks getting New Group and Group wasn't too big a surprise either. You go, girls!

By time the show was over, I was doing some online shopping. Best Buy has a deal on shipping if you buy 3 or more CDs or DVDs, so I was looking for things I wanted, but it was super slow loading pages, and I rememeberd I had some Cosmic Credit lying around at CDnow. So over there I hopped, and everything I wanted was on sale, and while it didn't quite make up for the difference, but my $10 of credit helped a lot. I ordered 4 CDs, 2 for Jev and 2 for me. Bad, bad girl, but hey, it's been a rough day, and I haven't bought any music.... um... at least since Jev was here in March. I deserve to be spoiled, even if I have to pay the bill later. Right?

Anyway, Jev and I are falling asleep talking on netmeeting, and my head is killing me, so I'm going to wrap this up and save it, and post it in the morning.