Land Mine

Friday, July 2, 1999

Waking up to a nice, clean kitchen this morning was nice, but it doesn't quite compensate for the land mine I triggered last night. There are some things in Jev's past -- mostly related to his dad, I think -- that just set off bad reactions in his emotional state; last night, I hit on one of those, without even realizing it. Since I really didn't know what was going on, I became confused, then upset, and then eventually angry, because he was acting so strangely, and I didn't have a clue as to why.

It all started out simply enough: the cats made a mess, spilling water in the laundry room, where there litter box is. I found out the hard way that water and scoopable litter don't mix, when I tried to sweep it up; I just got a muddy, gooey mess. So I decided that since the floor needed mopping anyway, I'd just clean up the mess that way.

Mopping only lasted about two minutes, since I started having some chest pains. I stopped and sat down in my chair in the living room, and tried to rest and stitch a little, since I was feeling kinda weak. I knew that I wasn't going to be doing any more mopping, but the laundry room was a mess, I still had clothes in the dryer, and I hadn't even started on dinner.

I did get up and get dinner going, and thankfully there were only a few things left in the dryer, but when Jev called before he headed out, I was pretty wiped out. He asked, as always, if I needed him to bring anything home, and I said no, I just needed him to help me when he got home. And those words were what triggered the whole mess.

To make a long story short, I screwed up our entire evening, and didn't manage to even start getting things fixed, without making matters about ten times worse with the things that I said. I don't know why he even puts up with me, and I wonder if we'll ever learn. How things can go so wrong, so fast, I'll never understand. Things are better now, but I still feel like a heel, and I can't help but wonder what I'll set off next. I really hope this weekend doesn't have too many fireworks of the emotional kind; I don't think I can take very many right now.