Happier Days

Thursday, July 8, 1999

12:06 PM

Things seem to be going better right now. Over the weekend, Jev got a cell phone, and it's already come in handy a time or two. Nothing we couldn't live without, but I think we'll be glad to have it around when things come up.

Tuesday night, I was in the process of making enchiladas when I realized that we didn't have a second bag of shredded cheese in the fridge, and Jev was already on his way home. I grabbed the phone and gave him a call, and caught him just in time to stop at the store, instead of having to send him back out. He arrived home with cheese and my enchiladas were a success.

My monthly check had arrived, and Wednesday was payday for Jev, so we went out and bought a few things I'd been wanting, then came home and played a bit with the computer game I'd bought as well while we were out. I was tired, so I curled up in bed with the book that was calling my name, while Jev played a bit with Yoot Tower. When he came in for bed, I gave him a bit of a backrub, and then we snuggled up together in a comfy position, and just enjoyed each other's nearness for a while. For that moment, I think both of us were perfectly content.

Yesterday, with his paycheck in the bank, we hit Sam's Club and did a bit more damage there, me finally choosing a blender, and serendipitously stumbling on a wheeled under-bed storage box in an aisle I hadn't planned on going down.... something on my shopping list I'd thought we would have to pick up at Target or Wal-Mart or somesuch. We also got enough laundry detergent and dishwasher tabs to keep us until fall, I think, and a gallon of milk, since we were running low. What a combination! We would have gone on to Target or Wal-Mart, but even after the rain, it was fairly warm out, and we didn't want to chance the milk spoiling.

Instead of playing computer games, we watched a little TV, and I did a bit more laundry, and then we snuggled up together in bed again, not quite as comfy and content as Tuesday night, but still, it was definitely a good thing.

I wish it could stay that way all the time..... I remember a time not so long back, when I was chatting with an online acquaintance, and she was telling me how sweet her husband always was, and I asked if it didn't get boring sometimes... I just couldn't understand it then, but now I do.

For now, though, the fact is that both of us still have some learning to do; learning to deal with our pasts, and each other's; learning how to make a household run and a home work, and how to have fun and not blow the budget in the meantime.

Learning to deal with moods, I think, is going to be the biggest issue. I'm not the only one who has mood swings, as Jevim pointed out last night that he'd gone from Tuesday's happy and up mood, into Wednesday's 'well, here we are, so what are we supposed to do now?' mood, and on top of that, worrying that I had more work to do than I was really up to.

I've always heard that men and women are so different in how they handle moods and emotions, but with Jev and I, I don't think we're so different. When either of us is upset or bothered by something, the first instinct seems to be to close down, not talk about it, pretend like everything's okay. When that doesn't work, we go into hiding -- literally sometimes -- just trying to escape the world, instead of turning to each other. We can't show our weaknesses... I think both of us have learned that in our growing up. We have to be strong; we have to be tough; we can't run crying to whomever, when the going gets rough. But that's what we need to do... to run to each other, instead of away, and to trust each other with our weaknesses. I don't mean to say that we don't break down in front of each other, and let the mask go... we do, but quite often only when it's do-or-die.

I used to be the one to run away first, up until I learned that running away when I was hurt only ended up hurting him too, making him afraid that I would leave him. Of course, that didn't stop me from doing it -- at least not right away -- I'd just do everything I could to push him away... telling him I didn't deserve him, and that there were probably lots of other things he'd rather be doing, than putting up with me when I'm in one of my moods.

That happened a lot, the last semester or two that he was in school, and we'd talk over the computer. A lot of it, I think, was the stress of a long distance relationship, but sometimes it was just issues between the two of us. I knew he got tired of being cooped up in his dorm room with his annoying roomie, and I knew that he needed to get out, and I used that as a tool, when I was strung out on emotions, and wanting to run away without looking to him like I was running away. But no matter how hard I tried to push him away, somehow it just didn't click that what he needed most at that moment was to somehow help me feel better.

Sometimes, I would eventually succeed in getting him to get out for a while, and as soon as he'd say goodbye and close the connection, I'd realize how stupid I'd been... that what I really needed was not for him to go away, but for him to be there to wrap his arms around me and reassure me that everything would work out. Of course, that's a little hard to do over phone lines, but if I could have just surrendered to him and let him do what he could to try to make me happy again, just the fact that he cared enough to try might have made the difference.

Now, it seems, our positions are reversed. He's often the one who runs off, even though it's just in here to the computer room; the last time he did it, I started to really understand how it felt when I used to do the same to him. When I used do it, I think a lot of it was that I just wanted him to come after me, catch me and wrap me up in his arms, and reassure me that he still wanted me in his life.... even if that 'coming after me' was just picking up the phone and calling and talking to me, asking me to come back online.

I guess it might have looked like I wanted him to beg me to come back, but really, that wasn't it at all. I just needed reassurance that he loved me and that I was lovable, and that that he wanted me in his life.

When he's upset and unhappy, all I really want to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him close, hoping that he knows just how much I love him, and that somehow, that will help ease his heart of whatever is troubling him. If only it were so simple as that.

Instead, we have to use words... words that are usually inadequate to describe the feelings we're feeling in the midst of things... words that can be and often are misheard, misunderstood, misinterpreted. We've always managed to muddle through them, somehow, but I can't help but think how much easier it would all be, if we could communicate without the limitations of our spoken language.

There's so much more I'd like to put down here, but it's hard to express... like how when Jev is seated in front of me and I'm standing in front of him, when I wrap my arms around him and he rests his head against my shoulder, my hand automatically starts rubbing his back gently, or ruffling his hair... my way of saying, "I'm here, baby, and I love you," without speaking a word; or how a simple, light kiss can sometimes send a gentle wave of warmth over me, all the while I'm wondering if he's feeling it too, and what he's trying to say with that kiss.... are there unspoken words and meanings in his actions, too?

I think, with time, we'll learn to understand each other's unspoken language better... how to communicate with just a look, or a smile, or a touch. Just give us time.