It's About the Little Things

Monday, October 11, 1999

8:10 AM

For a while, I've been wondering if it's time to give up the journal. I've been on a two month hiatus now, more or less; partly because I didn't know what to write, and partly because I didn't know if I wanted to write anymore. This morning, I think I've finally come to a decision.

For an even longer time, I've been asking myself, "What have I done with my life"? I guess, hoping that I'll have some earth-shattering effect on the world; somehow that I'll make a big impact... And now, even as I write those phrases.... why would I want to shatter the world? Why make a 'big impact'? What am I, an asteroid or something?

It's about time, I think, that I discovered that life is in the little things: it's in waking up in the morning to feed the cats, so later they'll want to play, and then curl up beside me and purr themselves to sleep; in curling up with Jev just right so that he feels safe and secure and loved, and falls asleep with that little smile of contentment, and then falling asleep beside him. It's in cross-stitching an afghan for a baby that I'll never meet, who may some day grow up and know that someone cared enough to make it for him, and it's in writing my journal and putting it online, so someone else can read and find something that makes them think, "I'm not the only one who thinks/feels/dreams like that!"

Yes, the journal will continue for now, though I don't promise to be very regular about it. I'll write when I feel like I have something to say.

It's not about getting so many hits on a webpage, or publishing a million-dollar novel; we have enough to get by rather comfortably, and Jev honestly doesn't seem to mind being the sole breadwinner in the household. And it's not about seeing my name in the newspaper or on TV; I don't really like being in the spotlight. I should have figured that out long ago, really: the main character in the stories I've created doesn't want to be rich and famous, and she doesn't want to be a movie star; she just wants to paint backdrops for sets, or illustrations for children's books. And that character is so me, I don't see how I could have missed the connection in the first place.

It's not about pleasing others -- you can't please everyone, every time anyway -- but it's about learning to do what you like, and when you can, to do it in a way that brings happiness to those you love. It's a fine line, sometimes, and I'm not sure where it is, but I think the key is trusting your heart, and not just listening to your inner child (Mine frequently says, "Gimme, gimme, gimme! More, more, more!").

More than enough attempts at advice, today. I'm recovering from a nasty cold bug that bit me last week, and while there are dishes and laundry awaiting my attention, my body still says it needs rest, and I kinda need my body if I want to stick around, so it wins. A nice cup of tea and some cinnamon toast sounds good, right about now.