Aimlessly Yours

Friday, December 3, 1999

Do I really want to do this again? I'm not sure. God knows I'm not one for consistency, so I guess it doesn't matter if this turns out to be a one-time shot.

Life these days has been pretty boring. I hardly feel like I have anything to write about at all. You probably don't want to read about how I've started yet another cross stitch project, or how many movies our DVD collection is up to now. But those are the 'most exciting' things going on in my life, at the moment.

Jev and I have been here a bit over six months, and I guess we've settled into our lifestyle -- if that's what you can call it. I've finally decided that I'm tired of living in a place that looks like we just moved in two weeks ago, and last weekend I tackled our computer room / spare bedroom, squeezing most of the boxes into closets, or the contents of two boxes into one. We no longer have a huge pile of 'stuff' taking up a full corner of the room, and I no longer have to drag my scanner to the middle of the room so it will reach both the outlet on the far wall and the USB plug. Some feat.

Our bedroom isn't in the best shape, either. I've had the box of my 'winter clothes' sitting out for three weeks now -- at least -- and only this morning did I finally take everything out of it and fold up the summer clothes from the closet to go into it. The winter clothes are piled on the floor though, waiting to be hung up, folded, put away, or whatever their destiny. And I still have drawers of summer things to pack away. Christmas decorations? At least we don't have many of those to deal with... and Jev's mom brought the box of them when she cat-sat for us last month (we went to Missouri, where Jev and Julie finally got to meet).

Exciting, isn't it?

We've really added to our collection of stuff in the past six months, too. New clothes, new computer accessories, Playstation, DVD player, probably a few pounds and inches here and there, too. Now I'm trying to decide what to get Jev for Christmas, since he's already got something for me (which is in the trunk of the car, so I can't look in there, or in our Quicken file, unless I want to ruin the surprise).

One of my online friends was in the hospital recently, and I didn't find out until later, and I just checked in today on another online journal that I used to keep up with, only to find that the author's son passed away just a few days ago. I've gotten so out of the loop; I'm becoming a hermit again.

It's not that I don't want to get to know people and make friends; part of me does. But to make the effort to get out and do it... I still haven't gone to the local needlework shop's Thursday evening get-togethers. I still haven't gone to one of the local Cherished Teddies Club meetings, either. Sure, part of me doesn't want to; my excuse is that I don't do sociable, except on good days.

So what's the point? Jev and I get along most of the time, more or less. I devour Orson Scott Card books at a good clip. I want to go see the Judds in Raleigh in March.

This isn't where I meant this to go. I wanted to write about how I never expected to see the year 2000, when I was growing up. Imagine that, I'm still here. I just feel like I'm not doing anything useful.

Okay, I stitched an afghan for charity. I'm buying gifts for a kid from the local Salvation Army's Angel Tree. Lots of other people could give far more. What am I doing that's unique? I quit the journal long ago, even if I never made it official.

I've got my cake... I'm here with Jev. I'm eating it too, as my waistline will attest. So why am I not terribly happy?

Could it be because Jev's not happy? Or is he not happy because I'm not satisfied with my life? I'm lacking in fulfillment, here. I should be doing something with my life, not spending it playing Railroad Tycoon and solitaire.

I'm not unhappy because I'm lacking material things; it'd be cool to have an MP3 player, the latest Spyro The Dragon game for Playstation, or all the money in the world, but none of that will give me what I really want: a life.

I could design cross stitch. I could design websites, create computer graphics or write the next NY Times Bestseller. I have no self-discipline, no internal drive.

Am I slipping into depression again? Apathy is taking over, that much is certain. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and snooze my life away. Definite sign of depression. Won't get help, though; I've had enough doctors in my life, I don't need one trying to put my head back on straight.

It's times like these when I wish I could start all over: If only I could relive my childhood days, and get it right from the start. If I could have been be the kid who did her homework as soon as she got home from school, never forgot to brush her teeth before bed, always practiced her piano lessons, and finished what she started -- at least most of the time. If I'd had those habits from the start, where would I be now? But I'm an old dog, and I find it pretty hard to think that I can learn new tricks at this stage of the game. Nobody's going to wave a magic wand and suddenly make me a new, motivated person.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a game of Monopoly, where I only own Mediterranean and Baltic with three houses each, and everyone else has bought up the rest of the properties and put hotels on them. It's just a matter of time until I wind up on Boardwalk.